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Getting help is a good thing to do

Written by kathy on October 12, 2011 — Leave a Comment

Don't wait too long

I moved to San Francisco years ago because my life was falling apart. I left my job, my home and my marriage because, well, because I needed to. None of it was working and I was totally unhappy. So, what the heck, let’s do a geographic. Anyone who has ever done a 12 Step Program knows all about these moves. You pick up, move somewhere else and hope, or delude yourself, that something new will happen. What inevitably happens is that you just take your same old stuff along with you to the next location. And then you have to deal with it, or not.

Of course I didn’t know this at the time. So I just continued on my way, doing what I knew to do. On top of that, I wasn’t the kind of person who asked for help. I honestly didn’t even think about it. After all, I was too strong and capable for that, I told myself over and over again. Besides, I’d asked for help before and didn’t get it, so what would the point be? I’d only be let down, disappointed or even betrayed again.

So I marched on. Some things changed for sure and I was proud of that. But I found that I was still not as happy as I wanted to be. I was still picking fixer-upper friends, just like I had before, as if I knew how to “fix them up.” I still did work that wasn’t very satisfying. So, while I lived in San Francisco instead of Phoenix (which was a move in the right direction),  I knew that life held so much more for me. All I had to do was figure out how find it.

Fortunately for me,  I met some really great people. Folks like me who had some troubles but were getting help with these issues. They didn’t tell me what to do, but knowing that they were seeking help was interesting to me. They were good, intelligent, strong, kind folks.  Somehow I had associated getting help with being weak or wrong. I didn’t know that most people need help once in a while and that seeking professional help could be a huge benefit to me.

Finding the right therapist was the best thing I could have done for myself. She helped me see things from a different perspective. She helped me understand myself and my proclivities. I learned so much from her that I never would have learned without asking for help.

So if you feel unhappy or stuck, try to ask someone for help. It could be a friend, a family member, a minister, a coach or a therapist. My wish for you is that you know that you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself and that there is good help out there just for you.

Posted in Sessions | Tagged coach, help, therapy

Laughing = Ease much better than worrying

Written by kathy on July 29, 2011 — Leave a Comment

Ya gotta love it!

I spent the month of June traveling through Europe with my very good friend, Bart. Among other things,  Bart is an incredible practitioner of Energetic Healing. One of the things I love about him is that he laughs all the time. He laughs at me, at life and, most importantly, at himself. His laughter brings healing and joy to all he does, and he does a lot. He finds humor in everything, well, almost everything.

He also flies by the seat of his pants. What that means to me is that he goes with the flow, which was sometimes troublesome for me. I like to “know” things. What I’m doing, where I’m going, things like that. I would find myself getting anxious about what the day would look like, what time we had to leave for wherever, any little tidbit I could find that would catch my worry wart. I know you know what I’m talking about.

Fortunately I was aware enough to feel my body contract vehemently when these worry thoughts presented themselves. It was quite obvious that I wasn’t in the flow because my stomach was tied up in knots. I was worrying about whatever I could. Because I was aware of what was going on inside myself, I could remind myself to take a deep breath or two, or three and tell myself that everything was just fine. More importantly, I was able to see and know that things were better than fine. Things worked out with amazing grace and ease every single time.

Many of us worry and that seems to be some weird sort of control over things (or so we think). I’m finding that it’s much easier to laugh and enjoy life and trust that things are working out. And what the heck, if they don’t work out the way we want them to, we’ll just figure out what to do next.

Posted in Awareness | Tagged breath, control, laughter, worry

Relationship Game inspired by a dysfunctional family

Written by kathy on April 1, 2011 — Leave a Comment

Having fun communicating and laughing

I think my mission in this life is to figure out how to connect with other folks. I’ve always wanted to know what made people tick, what they thought, how they felt, what made them happy, what made them laugh. I, of course, like being the one to make them laugh. It might be because the people in my family didn’t do these things. We didn’t talk to each other, didn’t do fun, or even not so fun, things as a family, we rarely asked questions besides, “When will dinner be ready,” and those kinds of things.

My family probably wasn’t that unusual for those times, well, it was pretty weird. It surely wasn’t like the Cleavers in “Leave it to Beaver.” As far as communication goes, suffice it to say, I didn’t learn many skills from them. I did learn how to be polite (not butt in or ask questions), how to read the unspoken signals from others, how to be a good girl (whatever that meant) and, most of all, that I shouldn’t speak unless spoken to.

My upbringing left me with a big longing for something more. I didn’t grow up to have a “regular” family of my own, so I had to figure out another way to relate more intimately with friends, family and my partner.

Who knew that when a friend suggested I make a board game about connection that I would create something that would be exactly that – a communication game that builds relationships! Her inspired thought created a passion and vision within me. It’s opened me up on so many levels, exposed me (in the best ways) to things I never thought were possible and, hopefully, has opened the doors for other people along the way.

Talk to any therapist, life coach or relationship expert and they’ll all tell you that communication is one of the most important keys to healthy and happy relationships. Whether it’s your child, mate, friend, co-worker, or family member, it doesn’t matter. How we communicate and how we receive that communication is crucial to our Well-Being. It’s important to find a way to ask those questions and to laugh that creates the kind of relationships that our soul wants.

So take a chance, ask a question you’ve wanted to know the answer to. Tell a joke that makes someone else laugh. Color outside of the lines. Be a little silly. And see if that doesn’t change things, just a little, so you can have more joy in your life.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged board game, communication game, connection, family connection, relationship game

To control or not control

Written by kathy on March 18, 2011 — 2 Comments

I used to think I was very easy going. I still think I am  when I’m not trying to control my circumstances or myself.

I must admit that I really don’t like the thought of me being controlling. It bothers me on so many levels. But instead of dwelling on that, I’m hoping that by exploring it, admitting it and trying to understand it, I will be free from it. Or at least I’ll be more conscious so I can make different choices.

A few years ago I adorned my altar with a card from the Osho Zen tarot deck. Well, actually my partner made this card for me for a ritual we were doing because it was something she saw me struggle with. Well, maybe the honest truth was that she felt me doing it – to her. Fortunately, on the other side is a beautiful card called Existence… But this post is about Control.

I don’t know about you, but when I look at this card my breath stops. My stomach contracts and I can totally relate to it. Just look at the fists. Have you ever felt like this? It’s so familiar that this card still remains on my altar as a reminder. I want to be in the flow. I want to trust. I want to know.

It’s just recently that I’ve been able to acknowledge that I do try to control things, especially when it has to do with me feeling safe in my world.

I think it’s actually a contradiction in terms, thinking I have to (or even that I can) control anything or anyone to be safe, but that comes from an adult perspective instead of a younger one.

I realize that I have mostly controlled myself in an effort to control another. I haven’t let myself do some things, (or even think some things) that I have wanted because I didn’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. I haven’t spoken my truth for the same reason. It looks like I’m doing “it” for them, but I’ve actually been doing it for me.

I could come up with a long list like this but I think it would be more beneficial for me to ask myself when I’m aware of this behavior, “Is this behavior causing me more harm than good?” And then to think about how to do it another way.

One of the problems with letting go of control is that we don’t know how it will work out. I hear this all the time in my work. The truth is that, no matter whether we try to control something or not, we never know what the outcome will be until we get there.

When I “let go of control” I notice that I feel pretty uncomfortable. I tend to worry a little more about what will happen, how things will work out, will someone be mad at me. I have a whole litany of those worry words. I also realize that my attempts to control anything are futile. The only thing I have any control over is me, what I think, what I focus on and what I do.

What I’m noticing now is that the more I let go, the more I see that things do work out in the end. If I can just hold on in the uncomfortable places I see that I don’t have to work so hard and that I can trust my world more and, of course, the people in it.

I’m a true believer that we are here to be happy, to enjoy ourselves, our relationships and everything else our heart desires. I know, for me, there is no joy when I’m feeling as pinched up as this guy on the Control card. So I’m going to do my best to be aware of when I feel tight and when I feel in the flow.

So for now I’m going to take a deep breath, let myself sink into how good life is and maybe look at that Existence card. After all, what am I waiting for?

Posted in Relationships | Tagged conscious, control, controlling others

Laughter is the best medicine

Written by kathy on March 5, 2011 — Leave a Comment

Yes, it’s true. You can google those exact words and you’ll find over 1.2 million hits on this subject including articles, videos, science digests and more.There’s so much information out there and if you just look at the picture on the right, you might even find yourself giggling.

We know how important laughter is, but how often do we feel it?

When was the last time you laughed for no “good’ reason? Do you read books or blogs that make you laugh? Watch movies? Play games? Find funny videos to watch on Youtube?

And when was the last time you laughed at yourself? Not in a malicious, you dumb dumb way, but in a sincere laugh-out-loud recognition of your own humanity.

We take things way too seriously and that simply isn’t good for us. It doesn’t allow us to relax and have fun and let the good stuff in. It doesn’t help us be more productive or more intelligent or any of the things we tell ourselves. It actually keeps us from enjoying our lives to the fullest and oftentimes causes great harm, stress and illness.

Today is my brother, Mark’s birthday. People love him because he laughs a lot, well, I’m sure there are probably a lot of other reasons too. He doesn’t take a lot of things seriously, which used to drive our mother nuts. But I think Mark knew from a very early age how to go with the flow, to look towards what he wants and to laugh a lot. His life is a beautiful representation of that. He has a wonderful wife and two children who love him dearly and whom he adores. I’m sure he would tell you he’s a very happy man. Everyone likes telling him jokes because he always seems so amused by them. I actually think he finds them funny and shares his joy through his laughter.

So take a lesson from my brother, laugh more, be happy, go with the flow whenever possible and let the good stuff in. After all, it’s all around us.

Posted in Fun | Tagged happiness, laughter, well-being
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